With Christmas fast approaching I find myself trying to fight off the intensifying anxiety.
I know everything will workout but he won't be here. He won't be here to see the look of un contained excitement on our little kids faces Christmas morning. He won't be here to look at me like I'm the best gift he has ever received. He won't be here...
On a day that's supposed to be filled with joy - he won't be here. On a day that's supposed to make our children's eyes sparkle - he won't be here. A realization that yet again even on the day that is so special my special person is not here.
I get through most days by relying on God to help me make it through. Living my life on a 'play by play' basis. Thinking about what I'm doing at that moment or that day.
Where I lose it is when I think ahead or try to plan the future - the future without Clint. It just doesn't seem right. Like a jacket with sleeves too short, or a cookie recipe without the salt....its just not the way it's supposed to be. It's not the way I like it.
I was walking through Target yesterday helping my kids get their final presents for the special people on their list and a woman came up to me and said I didn't know her but that she followed our blog and page. In front of my kids she said how our family has helped her and her family so much and that we are such an inspiration to her.
As she turned to walk away you could feel the gratitude seep into the cracks of our broken hearts. As Neiska said "That's cool mom!" Deep down I felt the Holy Ghost whisper -
"You're doing what you were meant to do. It was supposed to be this way."
(As I thought back - oh yeah?! Well your plan sucks!)
I know I say Clint's not here physically but I know he is spiritually.
The other night Gunner came into my room uncontrollably crying and saying
"It was really him mom. Daddy was really here!"
He went on to explain that Satan was making him not feel safe in his room and that he cried out to his Daddy to help and that he HEARD Clints REAL voice and FELT Clints embrace and that Clint held his hand that he SAW Clints hand with his own eyes. And then his Daddy told him that he was going to be able to make it through and that it was going to be alright and that he LOVED him.
Gunner my 9 year old sat there crying in shock and awe as I held him and cried with him. Then as he went back to bed my 4 year old Wyatt curled up in a ball on my bed and cried. Cried and cried from a broken heart that desperately missed his Daddy. As I sat there and rubbed his back I went to sing 'You are my sunshine' (one of his and Clints favorites) as he replied through tears
"Don't sing that one mommy - it's too sad."
I KNOW those who pass away are among us, I KNOW God sends angels to help us when we can't help ourselves, I KNOW when life gets hard we can get strength that's not our own and that strength will not only help us make it through but help OTHERS who are watching!
I'm beyond grateful for the knowledge we have that families are forever. And that we WILL be with our loved ones we lose. And I KNOW that none of this would have been possible without the ONE man born on the Earth 2015 years ago.
This week we are celebrating his birth. This week we are acknowledging that his birth and life so long ago forever changed the course of history.
This week we reflect on the birth whose presence made the Angels sing. The man who was born and lived PERFECTLY.
His life was FAR from perfect. Despite the miracles he performed and the spirit he shared - he was hated, reviled, spit upon, tortured and betrayed. In the end The King of ALL men was rejected and voted to be crucified.
The man who suffered more for us individually than we can EVER comprehend. That man died for US so we can,through him, live again!
“I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. . . .
There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, ‘beyond [his] own.’ The Savior reminds us that He has ‘graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.’
Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now.
When He says to the poor in spirit, ‘Come unto me,’ He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way."
- Elder Holland
(Clints favorite apostle)
I leave my testimony with Elder Hollands. He Lives and loves us beyond comprehension and that if we believe in him we will find unexplainable peace - even in the most difficult of times.
Love you guys