Friday, November 14, 2014

Crazy Train




Tomorrow.....tomorrow is the day we find out if the last seven months of Clint's chemo has slowed down any of the tumors growing throughout his body. 

He has been feeling worse....maybe it's the chemo....maybe it's the cancer...maybe it's
 both...who knows?! That's the part that's the hardest to push out of our minds the " What if " and now on the brink of results I want to crumble...

Don't you think after going to so many 'results' appointments it would get easier? Well let me tell you it DOESN'T.



Tonight Clint wanted some of my brothers to come over and give him a blessing. As I listened to the words of the blessing I could also hear my little sick (whooping cough) Neiska creeping up the stairs into the room. As the blessing ended I looked over at her as she stated Gunner had thrown up from the top bunk of the bunk bed. 

Now there's not many things I hate BUT.... I. HATE. THROW. UP. 

While Clint was answering questions from family members I went downstairs into the den of disgusting-ness



I found Gunner on the top bunk with throw up oozing down the ladder and onto the carpet. As I fought back the urge to run away and throw up myself I grabbed the paper towels and went into 'mom' mode.

With each wipe the throw up plopped down the ladder and immediately I could see my life. Why can't things go right? Why can't it EVER be easy? And with those thoughts the flood gates that I diligently try to keep locked were opened. The more I cleaned up that disgusting mess the more I was mad that my life IS a MESS! 

While I was crying my sweet sick Gunner was watching me from the top bunk with tears in HIS guilt ridden eyes saying "I'm SO sorry mom." repeatedly

Great now the time I get on the crazy train it's right in front of the person in our family that's having the hardest time with anxiety and life. Mother of the year award goes to....

As I finished getting the globs out of the carpet (or at least what I could see through my watered eyes) Clint entered the room with a look on his face like he walked into an occupied bathroom stall. (I'm sure I Iooked worse than the room smelled.)

He immediately went into Mr Clean mode while I ran the garbage out. As I shut the front door to my house I wanted to find a hole and crawl in it. I knew what I needed to do. So there my stinky self was on the side of my house in the dark on my knees. Praying for strength, telling Heavenly Father that I am so grateful for the many blessings that we DO have. That I was sorry for being an ungrateful turd. 

Then I dusted my knees off and walked into the house as my cute little Dad tried to cheer me up with a bible story about Job.



I know life is hard. I know at times you feel like you can't keep 'keeping it together' and that's okay.... You are entitled to a bad moment every once in awhile. Just make sure when you can't stand anymore you kneel down and ask for the strength to keep riding the Crazy Train cause you can't refund your ticket....

Photo: Tomorrow.....tomorrow is the day we find out if the last seven months of Clint's chemo has slowed down any of the tumors growing throughout his body.  

He has been feeling worse....maybe it's the chemo....maybe it's the cancer...maybe it's both...who knows?!  That's the part that's the hardest to push out of our minds the " What if " and now on the brink of results I want to crumble...

Don't you think after going to so many 'results' appointments it would get easier?  Well let me tell you it DOESN'T.

Tonight Clint wanted some of my brothers to come over and give him a blessing. As I listened to the words of the blessing I could also hear my little sick (whooping cough) Neiska creeping up the stairs into the room.  As the blessing ended I looked over at her as she stated Gunner had thrown up from the top bunk of the bunk bed.  

Now there's not many things I hate  BUT.... I. HATE. THROW. UP.  

While Clint was answering questions from family members I went downstairs into the den of disgusting-ness

I found Gunner on the top bunk with throw up oozing down the ladder and onto the carpet.  As I fought back the urge to run away and throw up myself I grabbed the paper towels and went into 'mom' mode. 

With each wipe the throw up plopped down the ladder and immediately I could see my life.  Why can't things go right? Why can't it EVER be easy? And with those thoughts the flood gates that I diligently try to keep locked were opened.  The more I cleaned up that disgusting mess the more I was mad that my life IS a MESS!  

While I was crying my sweet sick Gunner was watching me from the top bunk with tears in HIS guilt ridden eyes saying "I'm SO sorry mom." repeatedly 

Great now the time I get on the crazy train it's right in front of the person in our family that's having the hardest time with anxiety and life.  Mother of the year award goes to....

As I finished getting the globs out of the carpet (or at least what I could see through my watered eyes) Clint entered the room with a look on his face like he walked into an occupied bathroom stall.  (I'm sure I Iooked worse than the room smelled.)

He immediately went into Mr Clean mode while I ran the garbage out.  As I shut the front door to my house I wanted to find a hole and crawl in it.  I knew what I needed to do. So there my stinky self was on the side of my house in the dark on my knees.  Praying for strength, telling Heavenly Father that I am so grateful for the many blessings that we DO have.  That I was sorry for being an ungrateful turd.  

Then I dusted my knees off and walked into the house as my cute little Dad tried to cheer me up with a bible story about Job. 

I know life is hard.  I know at times you feel like you can't keep 'keeping it together' and that's okay.... You are entitled to a bad moment every once in awhile. Just make sure when you can't stand anymore you kneel down and ask for the strength to keep riding the Crazy Train cause you can't refund your ticket....

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