Monday, September 15, 2014

Sickness, Sadness, and Blessings....

Well Clint's been sick today. He was able to make it through the first hour of church then I sent him home to go back to bed. 

After church we had a meeting with Gunner and the bishop to talk about Gunners baptism

(which we are going to do on Clint's birthday September 30th - how cool will that be?!) 

I went home to get Clint because he didn't want to miss it and as we were sitting there in the bishops office I could see Clint getting sicker and sicker and soon he excused himself from the room and ran to the bathroom where he threw up.

Ever since he's gotten home he's either been in bed or the bathroom. 

Uuggghhh Stinkin' chemo.....

Gunner was sitting on the couch tonight (with a fever and a cough) and said

"Cancer brought us lots of good things but at the same time it's bad."

I had a couple of family parties to attend tonight and going without Clint is hard....I'm glad he's home resting. That's where he should be.....

But the thoughts that I try keep locked away in the back of my heart start to work their way out when he's not around. I'm scared. I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't want my kids to not have their Daddy. My soul mate, my North Star, my second half, my right hand, my happiness, my Dream Man.! The thoughts of a life without him is too much to bare. 

Clint and I went to the Temple last Friday and knelt as proxy for Temple marriages....

As I looked across the altar into his eyes filled with tears I felt the pain and sadness that parting this mortal life would bring us but I also felt with a undeniable truth that this life isn't the end. That we WILL be together for eternity because of the sealing powers that were restored to the earth. In that sad and terrible moment I was able to get a glimpse past our hell on Earth and see Heaven....

Heaven where we will be together forever and no pain or sickness will drive us apart. Heaven where our family will be together FOREVER. 

I don't want to grow old without my best friend. It's not right. I can't make any plans because a plan without Clint is wrong...

I don't want to think about my future if he's not in it.....

At least I have a ninja to help me do the laundry! 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

sucky update

Alright alright I guess I should be the bearer of bad news....

Well remember when we got Clint's test results last month from the chemo doctor? Who thought it was good news in his lungs.

I called last week and was talking to her nurse about his medications and decided to ask her if the radiologist had confirmed her 'mixed response' results (where they said the cancer was growing all over BUT the cancer in his lungs was responding and even disappearing.) 

She then went on to read that the report came back that the cancer in his lungs is progressing (completely the opposite of what we were previously told) and metastasizing in his lungs - NOT improving or disappearing in any way. (geez would've been great to get a call with that info)

They said he should start to expect it gradually getting harder for him to breathe as the cancer slowly kills the lungs and decreases his oxygen capacity. 

I have noticed him having to take deeper breaths but I know he's thinking the last thing he wants to do is go to the doctors and get another prescription.... I know Mr Hercules will 'tuff' it out until I make an appointment or it gets terrible.

Clint has been having nightmares that he can't breath and is suffocating... how horrible would that be?! I can't even stand it. I can't even believe this is our life. 

I know we are strong but I don't want to HAVE to be. I wish life were simple.... I wish we were 'normal'. I wish the biggest worry I had was what to make for dinner for my husband after he came home from a job he didn't like...

We have told Wyatt (our three year old) that Daddy has little cancer bad guys fighting inside his body that make him sick and today while driving to get the older kids from school he said

"When Daddy dies I'm gunna kill those bad guys that got him."

It's sickening to me that EVERY DAY Wyatt says something about Clint dying usually it's 

"When Daddy dies I'm gunna miss him so bad. I don't want my Daddy to die."

You would think the way he talks about it every day that we talk about it all the time but we don't! When we are at home we usually never talk about it. But something like that you never can get out of your mind even if you're the smallest of Bauers I guess.

What's the next step? All his tests and results are November 11th and in the mean time he will continue this chemo hoping it will slow down some of the tumors. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if you are having a hard time go to your Heavenly Father and pray. I KNOW that even though he can't make everything right he makes our burdens easier to bear. 

That somehow what once was impossible to imagine or comprehend becomes possible if we ask for his help. I don't know how else to explain how blessed we are to be able to function and not slip onto the first crazy train out of here

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11: 28-30

Well It's bitter sweet that Clint is back on chemo. He's feeling extremely tired and often sick to his stomach....


 I'm doing the best I can. But when he's sick it's a constant reminder that life is not alright and everything is NOT okay... 

To tell you the truth the last week has been hard. I don't know why some days or weeks are easier than others. 

Maybe it's him starting the chemo again, maybe it's My sweet 7 year old Gunner and his hard time and worried little heart that I've been trying to mend this week. He's not only worrying about Clint but now he's worrying about leaving me and having a hard time when I'm away from him. 

I'm sad, heartbroken, and mad today.... Its not fair that my little kids have to think about such horrible things. 

As a parent you want to protect your children and help them feel safe and secure. And be able to tell them everything will be alright....To see them have to realize at such an early age that their Daddy is not invincible and that their fairy tale already isn't perfect is at times more than I can bare. So I try not to think about it (I'm not doing a very good job of that today)

The kids are growing up so fast!  Wyatt says every day 
"Daddy when you gunna die I'm gunna cry. I'm gunna miss my Daddy so much." 

It's weird how we don't talk about 'it' but even at three years old it's on his mind every day too....

Gunner and Neiska both started school recently. Please Heavenly Father send us a miracle...and if not please give us strength and peace....