Thursday, July 17, 2014

Today's the day......test, scans, and results on this new chemo that's hopefully slowing down Clint's fast growing stage four bone cancer. 

These appointments do get a little easier now that we know cancer is a permanent member of our family. 

However fighting the fear with our faith is something I struggle with everyday. 

I can't even wrap my mind around knowing that Clint's "clinically" been predicted to have less than a year to live AND try to function on a day to day basis. 

Most days we just ignore that cancer monster that hides under our beds but the closer it gets to days like this the stench of our invader is sickening.

I try really hard not to think about his terminal diagnosis most days but truth be told it permeates ALL my thoughts. How do you function knowing the person you love most in the world is fighting a monstrous battle that all you can do is watch? Most days I feel helpless (with the exception of flashing my nipples which can't be done that often) I don't know what else to do

What do you say to your little three year old who says daily 

"My Daddy's gonna die. I'm gonna miss him so much."

Gunner the other day asked 

"How many months has it been since Daddy was told he only has 6 months to one year left?" 

As I sat there and calculated it in my head and then on my fingers I watched Gunners little heart breaking as I told him September was 6 months. (Which is the month of Neiska's birthday, Gunners birthday, AND Clint's birthday) 
He then asked with tears filling his eyes

"Is Daddy going to be there to baptize me?!"

With a smile on my face I said

 "You bet he is!" Then Clint said "I'm not going anywhere that soon!"

Cancer SUCKS. It's not fair. I hate that my little babies have to worry and think about such horrible things. Cancer has stolen some of their childhood but it has also enriched their lives in many ways and with many blessings. 

When I feel my thoughts starting to go in a dark place I try to envision my kids and their futures. BECAUSE of cancer they will be better people. BECAUSE of cancer they will lead a different path than they would have. BECAUSE of cancer they will be shaped into who they were meant to be. And in that thought it gives me hope that BECAUSE of cancer no matter what happens to Clint my children will be stronger than they would have been. That BECAUSE of cancer they will rise up and be who they were meant to be. That God has something special that only they can do BECAUSE of cancer....

God continue to give us the strength to make it through another difficult day....

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