Courage

Hi My Friend! Did you have a fun weekend? Never a dull moment at the Bauer house...Neiska my 10 year old broke her arm roller blading...:( 

I looked at Clint in the ER and asked "Is it weird to not be the one who's the patient!" Then he chuckled and agreed

Neiska however was pretty bummed when she found out she wouldn't be needing a wheelchair. 

 "What?!  But I want to be pushed around everywhere!"

That silly girl.....:)

 This week is the week before Clint's next round of tests and results (this soon already? I know it sucks) How is he doing?  I can tell he's feeling worse and worse everyday.  Maybe it's the chemo working....maybe it's the cancer growing....it's the mental debate I have daily. 

He never complains but I can see him getting mad at himself and his physical limitations more everyday.  Gunner had baseball tryouts this past Saturday so Clint, who was an all state baseball player and had a full ride college scholarship to play baseball, (that cancer ruined) has been practicing with him. 

 After practicing I see him come in the house in pain and so frustrated at his body for not being able to do what he knows he can do.  He's not in a fun place right now physically and emotionally.  He started to cry saturday night (which rarely happens) after a day of organizing the garage for hours and paying physically for over doing it.  He said that the pain and frustration had just got to him. He said he just gets tired of having to try harder and harder to get through his days and nothings getting easier.

  I tried to hold myself together as I listened to his pain and frustration but inside my heart was breaking.  I went into the bathroom and could feel myself on the verge of a breakdown.  How can I be strong when my rock is sad?  How can I do this?  How can I pull myself together? How can I handle my life? As I was washing my face to destroy the evidence of tears (a trick of the trade I have learned since cancer came around) I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me be strong.  Instantly I stopped crying and I knew that I could be strong for him when he was weak.  I knew Heavenly Father heard my prayer and gave me the strength when I no longer had any of my own.

I'm so grateful that my prayer was answered 

 Or else I would've had to knit me one of these to climb in and never come out! Hahahahaha

Here's to a courageous start to your week.....;)

~Your Friend Kamille