Friday, January 17, 2014

Our Reality

Here's my two cute boys drinking their daily green smoothies. How are the Bauer's?… 


Clint's clinical chemo trial ends this Sunday.  Then we have his CT scans Tuesday and then we find out if/what the chemo has done Wednesday. {yikes}

 Over the last years we have gotten use to bad news at the doctors appointments, but now with this chemo trial it feels like the good old days. When we were going to appointments full of hope- That maybe just maybe the cancer is gone.  Back before we found out that the cancer had not only taken up a residence but had started to build a metropolis.  It's like the hope of a miracle has laid it's embers in our hearts again….accompanied with the fear that if this doesn't work we are all out of options. 

It's a fine line to walk emotionally. Letting yourself think that there's a possibility of a miracle, followed by the immediate emotion of fear that we will be disappointed just like we always are. So trying not to think about is seems to be the best option most days….right?
"How are you so happy?"
That's a question that we often get.  And the answer to that one is easy….. we just pretend that nothing is wrong….that everything is 'normal'….that there's no cancer monster that's apart of our family hiding under our beds.  But as the clock ticks closer to the appointments the stench of that invader gets almost too much to bare.



Gunner has said to me on several separate occasions 
"I don't want another Dad."
After the gut punch of reality subsides I have to put my big girl panties on and quickly reply 
"I don't want you to have another Dad either Gunner. We don't know what's going to happen buddy. We only have to trust Heavenly Father and pray that we can be strong."
As I related that conversation to Clint one night after the kids went to bed.  He said
"Well if that's [him dying] the plan then it's a shitty one."
We then laughed and kissed each other good night.  The Bauer pillow talk.  

The other day I was driving down the road and Neiska and her cousin her were sitting in the back with their dolls.  As I was zoning out listening to the radio Neiska asks me a question. I turn down the radio and asked her to repeat it.  She says louder

"Will Daddy be a grandpa?"
In my mind I now know that as she's playing dolls she's thinking about her self growing up and having children of her own….and wondering if her Daddy will live long enough to be able to be her kids grandpa. 

 After the initial shock of the question wore off I offered an explanation that we are hoping and praying that the chemo is working and that Daddy will get better.  She then asked me with tears filling up her eyes

"Well what if the pills aren't working?"

I then took a moment to pep-talk myself into my next statement with tears rolling down my cheeks
 "We would love Daddy and play with Daddy and cherish Daddy every day that we DO have him until he's gone. And no matter what he will always be your daddy. Forever."
Inside I want to scream- Is this really my life?!  It's not fair that my kids have to think about something so horrible.   They should just be able to be kids- carefree.  It saddens my heart to know that this has to be apart of their thoughts…. They should be thinking about upcoming baseball signups, favorite Wii games, practicing piano, where to hide laundry so they don't have to put it away.  Not wondering if they will have a Dad to play baseball with or a grandpa for their kids. IT'S NOT FAIR. But life isn't fair is it? 

I recently became friends with an amazing woman in my neighborhood who's husband was killed in a car accident a week before Christmas two years ago.  She has two small children.  That new friendship has often led me to wonder would it be easier to know someone you love is going to die or just have someone you love die suddenly? I don't know the answer to that.  Cancer has given us the amazing gift of being able to live more in the moment.  To cherish each day, each hour, each second we have together.  I feel it's teaching us the way we should all live.  The gift of life is so precious and too often we forget that.

The past couple of weeks Clint has found himself waking up in the night gasping for breath.  Immediately with the paranoia you think - It it the cancer in his lungs? This week he told me this I was relieved we were seeing the wellness Doctor the next day. 

So when we went to see Clint's Wellness Doctor Dr Brady. Who is such an amazing man and doctor. In that appointment he was saying Clint was experiencing panic and fear.  The fear of leaving, the fear of dying, the fear of us without him. He then said we need to let go of the panic and fear and realize that what's meant to happen will happen.  That God is powerful and if it's his will there will be a miracle, but if it's not his will then Clint will be [pointing to me] my guardian angel until we get to meet again. 

As we drove home I cried.  Cried that I don't want to lose my best friend, cried that I don't want my babies to lose their Daddy, cried that I can't imagine living any kind of life without my North Star.  As we pulled into the drive way with baby asleep in his car seat. I looked over at Clint and he was crying too.  I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed over the middle console right into his arms as he cradled me like a baby.  Sobbing I told him I was scared. As he listened he said he's sorry I'm scared.  He said through tears that he's just trying to think about the day he's currently living and that he can probably count on the fact that he has another day tomorrow….


I believe God has a plan for us.  I do seriously doubt that this should be our plan.  It scares me to think that Clint being gone could be part of that plan. You don't know how strong you have to be until you are given no other choice.  And maybe that in and of itself is the miracle that we need……


May the force be with us this week…..

2 comments:

  1. With all my heart soul and mite...with everything in me I pray you get your miracle. My love to you all....always and forever. Your question about if it was easier to know or not to know....I am not sure. My husband died in my arms with 2 of our 3 children there to witness it. I wish there was time to go back and say a few things...to make sure without a doubt he knew them. That he without a doubt took that knowledge of our love for him with him.... I hope so. But if you don't get your miracle...you will know.....your kids will know that Clint knew how much you loved him, valued him, appreciated him and how much you would miss him when he was no longer physically by your side. I know without a doubt my husband Keith is here....not all the time but when we need him most he shows up. He lets us know that he is with us and loves us and watches over us.

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  2. Kamille, you probably don't remember me, but i found your blog from someone on fb. Im so sorry you have had this trial. Your blog, faith, and family are amazing. Prayers for your sweet family!! -Lori (wellington) thomas

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