Friday, November 14, 2014

Post Surgery 7 photos

****Warning to the Queasy Don't view****




 He's feeling extremely tired and sore today but I was able to get him up and give him a shower. Ready to see the cutting board?!





Well here's our Warriors recent battle wound. I mapped out the surgeries from the back view with surgery #4's scar missing because it's in the front (sorry you guys only I'm that lucky

Home from Surgery #7

The kids are sure glad to have their Dad home 




Mr Bauer is extremely tired and sore but He is glad to be recuperating around his family. 


Wyatt has loved helping me take care of him during the day. 



Here he is wiping Clint's stomach with an alcohol swab before I give him a shot

Thank you SO much for your prayers!


You Can't Keep Clint Down

You can't keep Clint down long!!

 He was just able to get up and walk down the hall and practice stairs! If we can keep him eating and his pain controlled he will be able to go home today! 






Surgery #7

The cancer has stayed stable in his lungs with no big growth! (Insert sigh of relief) The tumors in his abdomen, pelvis, and glute have increased. 

The one in the right glute has been causing him a lot of pain and making it hard to sit and sometimes lay down so they are operating November 12 2014  to remove some of it in hopes it will alleviate some of his discomfort.

Thank you for your prayers we LOVE you guys and appreciate all of your prayers and good thoughts and comments it definitely helps us get through the days.

Clint says he just gets to have another crack in his butt 


Here he is ready to go in for surgery number 7 



They are going to try and remove some of the Tumor in his right glute that's causing a lot of nerve pain and cramping.



He just got back to the room. The doctor said they were able to take the cancerous liquid out of the 4" tumor and half of the tumors shell without being too abrasive. 



The goal with this surgery is to help alleviate the pain and pressure this tumor was putting on his nerves and pelvis. He is such a Warrior and I'm SO proud of him.

Thank you for your continued love, prayers, and concern! We know without a doubt they help lift us up and keep us going

How do we keep the faith?



I've been asked recently "How do you not lose faith?" Here's my reply:



Some days having faith is easier than others for sure!  

But when I can push the bad thoughts and worries out of my mind and know that I am doing everything possible in my power to be worthy of the blessings the Lord thinks I deserve it makes my trials easier to bear.  

I will follow the Lord no matter what or how horrible life seems because in doing so I know and have peace that at least I'm doing the best I can in hopes of deserving the best the Lord has. 

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

-1Corinthians 13:7

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

- Mosiah 2:41


Oh Wyatt....We LOVE you







Clint's loading one of our treasures in that box! 




Today while riding in the car Wyatt asked 

"Daddy why do you have cancer?!"
Then Clint taking a moment to think replies
"Because before I came to earth Heavenly Father asked me if I would come here and have cancer."
Wyatt then immediately replied 
"I would say NO!"

As Clint and I laughed all the way down the road.....




I love that little man.

Crazy Train




Tomorrow.....tomorrow is the day we find out if the last seven months of Clint's chemo has slowed down any of the tumors growing throughout his body. 

He has been feeling worse....maybe it's the chemo....maybe it's the cancer...maybe it's
 both...who knows?! That's the part that's the hardest to push out of our minds the " What if " and now on the brink of results I want to crumble...

Don't you think after going to so many 'results' appointments it would get easier? Well let me tell you it DOESN'T.



Tonight Clint wanted some of my brothers to come over and give him a blessing. As I listened to the words of the blessing I could also hear my little sick (whooping cough) Neiska creeping up the stairs into the room. As the blessing ended I looked over at her as she stated Gunner had thrown up from the top bunk of the bunk bed. 

Now there's not many things I hate BUT.... I. HATE. THROW. UP. 

While Clint was answering questions from family members I went downstairs into the den of disgusting-ness



I found Gunner on the top bunk with throw up oozing down the ladder and onto the carpet. As I fought back the urge to run away and throw up myself I grabbed the paper towels and went into 'mom' mode.

With each wipe the throw up plopped down the ladder and immediately I could see my life. Why can't things go right? Why can't it EVER be easy? And with those thoughts the flood gates that I diligently try to keep locked were opened. The more I cleaned up that disgusting mess the more I was mad that my life IS a MESS! 

While I was crying my sweet sick Gunner was watching me from the top bunk with tears in HIS guilt ridden eyes saying "I'm SO sorry mom." repeatedly

Great now the time I get on the crazy train it's right in front of the person in our family that's having the hardest time with anxiety and life. Mother of the year award goes to....

As I finished getting the globs out of the carpet (or at least what I could see through my watered eyes) Clint entered the room with a look on his face like he walked into an occupied bathroom stall. (I'm sure I Iooked worse than the room smelled.)

He immediately went into Mr Clean mode while I ran the garbage out. As I shut the front door to my house I wanted to find a hole and crawl in it. I knew what I needed to do. So there my stinky self was on the side of my house in the dark on my knees. Praying for strength, telling Heavenly Father that I am so grateful for the many blessings that we DO have. That I was sorry for being an ungrateful turd. 

Then I dusted my knees off and walked into the house as my cute little Dad tried to cheer me up with a bible story about Job.



I know life is hard. I know at times you feel like you can't keep 'keeping it together' and that's okay.... You are entitled to a bad moment every once in awhile. Just make sure when you can't stand anymore you kneel down and ask for the strength to keep riding the Crazy Train cause you can't refund your ticket....

Photo: Tomorrow.....tomorrow is the day we find out if the last seven months of Clint's chemo has slowed down any of the tumors growing throughout his body.  

He has been feeling worse....maybe it's the chemo....maybe it's the cancer...maybe it's both...who knows?!  That's the part that's the hardest to push out of our minds the " What if " and now on the brink of results I want to crumble...

Don't you think after going to so many 'results' appointments it would get easier?  Well let me tell you it DOESN'T.

Tonight Clint wanted some of my brothers to come over and give him a blessing. As I listened to the words of the blessing I could also hear my little sick (whooping cough) Neiska creeping up the stairs into the room.  As the blessing ended I looked over at her as she stated Gunner had thrown up from the top bunk of the bunk bed.  

Now there's not many things I hate  BUT.... I. HATE. THROW. UP.  

While Clint was answering questions from family members I went downstairs into the den of disgusting-ness

I found Gunner on the top bunk with throw up oozing down the ladder and onto the carpet.  As I fought back the urge to run away and throw up myself I grabbed the paper towels and went into 'mom' mode. 

With each wipe the throw up plopped down the ladder and immediately I could see my life.  Why can't things go right? Why can't it EVER be easy? And with those thoughts the flood gates that I diligently try to keep locked were opened.  The more I cleaned up that disgusting mess the more I was mad that my life IS a MESS!  

While I was crying my sweet sick Gunner was watching me from the top bunk with tears in HIS guilt ridden eyes saying "I'm SO sorry mom." repeatedly 

Great now the time I get on the crazy train it's right in front of the person in our family that's having the hardest time with anxiety and life.  Mother of the year award goes to....

As I finished getting the globs out of the carpet (or at least what I could see through my watered eyes) Clint entered the room with a look on his face like he walked into an occupied bathroom stall.  (I'm sure I Iooked worse than the room smelled.)

He immediately went into Mr Clean mode while I ran the garbage out.  As I shut the front door to my house I wanted to find a hole and crawl in it.  I knew what I needed to do. So there my stinky self was on the side of my house in the dark on my knees.  Praying for strength, telling Heavenly Father that I am so grateful for the many blessings that we DO have.  That I was sorry for being an ungrateful turd.  

Then I dusted my knees off and walked into the house as my cute little Dad tried to cheer me up with a bible story about Job. 

I know life is hard.  I know at times you feel like you can't keep 'keeping it together' and that's okay.... You are entitled to a bad moment every once in awhile. Just make sure when you can't stand anymore you kneel down and ask for the strength to keep riding the Crazy Train cause you can't refund your ticket....

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Clint's Testimony


 "I hope that I am an example of man that loves and follows Christ. I too have found the best way to follow His example is by following the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka Mormon).

I have never found any teaching that doesn't follow His example. I know Jesus loves and knows each of us. I know He wants us to be happy in this life and the next. 
I can't deny the answers I have received from my prayers that this is the fullness to Jesus Christ Gospel.

This gives me more peace and happiness in this difficult life.
I know that Christ wants us to be together as families here and for eternity. And I intend to do everything in my power to make that happen. I would love to share with anyone the things I have learned that gives me this peace and happiness."

- Clint The Cancer Warrior

Thursday, October 2, 2014

KSL Story


Here's an AMAZING story that KSL did.  Thank you Jeremiah Johnson for your time and talent.  We will cherish this story!


Monday, September 15, 2014

Sickness, Sadness, and Blessings....



Well Clint's been sick today. He was able to make it through the first hour of church then I sent him home to go back to bed. 




After church we had a meeting with Gunner and the bishop to talk about Gunners baptism


(which we are going to do on Clint's birthday September 30th - how cool will that be?!) 

I went home to get Clint because he didn't want to miss it and as we were sitting there in the bishops office I could see Clint getting sicker and sicker and soon he excused himself from the room and ran to the bathroom where he threw up.

Ever since he's gotten home he's either been in bed or the bathroom. 

Uuggghhh Stinkin' chemo.....



Gunner was sitting on the couch tonight (with a fever and a cough) and said




"Cancer brought us lots of good things but at the same time it's bad."




I had a couple of family parties to attend tonight and going without Clint is hard....I'm glad he's home resting. That's where he should be.....


But the thoughts that I try keep locked away in the back of my heart start to work their way out when he's not around. I'm scared. I don't want to lose my best friend. I don't want my kids to not have their Daddy. My soul mate, my North Star, my second half, my right hand, my happiness, my Dream Man.! The thoughts of a life without him is too much to bare. 




Clint and I went to the Temple last Friday and knelt as proxy for Temple marriages....

As I looked across the altar into his eyes filled with tears I felt the pain and sadness that parting this mortal life would bring us but I also felt with a undeniable truth that this life isn't the end. That we WILL be together for eternity because of the sealing powers that were restored to the earth. In that sad and terrible moment I was able to get a glimpse past our hell on Earth and see Heaven....

Heaven where we will be together forever and no pain or sickness will drive us apart. Heaven where our family will be together FOREVER. 

I don't want to grow old without my best friend. It's not right. I can't make any plans because a plan without Clint is wrong...

I don't want to think about my future if he's not in it.....

At least I have a ninja to help me do the laundry! 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

sucky update

Alright alright I guess I should be the bearer of bad news....


Well remember when we got Clint's test results last month from the chemo doctor? Who thought it was good news in his lungs.



I called last week and was talking to her nurse about his medications and decided to ask her if the radiologist had confirmed her 'mixed response' results (where they said the cancer was growing all over BUT the cancer in his lungs was responding and even disappearing.) 

She then went on to read that the report came back that the cancer in his lungs is progressing (completely the opposite of what we were previously told) and metastasizing in his lungs - NOT improving or disappearing in any way. (geez would've been great to get a call with that info)

They said he should start to expect it gradually getting harder for him to breathe as the cancer slowly kills the lungs and decreases his oxygen capacity. 

I have noticed him having to take deeper breaths but I know he's thinking the last thing he wants to do is go to the doctors and get another prescription.... I know Mr Hercules will 'tuff' it out until I make an appointment or it gets terrible.

Clint has been having nightmares that he can't breath and is suffocating... how horrible would that be?! I can't even stand it. I can't even believe this is our life. 

I know we are strong but I don't want to HAVE to be. I wish life were simple.... I wish we were 'normal'. I wish the biggest worry I had was what to make for dinner for my husband after he came home from a job he didn't like...


We have told Wyatt (our three year old) that Daddy has little cancer bad guys fighting inside his body that make him sick and today while driving to get the older kids from school he said

"When Daddy dies I'm gunna kill those bad guys that got him."

It's sickening to me that EVERY DAY Wyatt says something about Clint dying usually it's 

"When Daddy dies I'm gunna miss him so bad. I don't want my Daddy to die."

You would think the way he talks about it every day that we talk about it all the time but we don't! When we are at home we usually never talk about it. But something like that you never can get out of your mind even if you're the smallest of Bauers I guess.



What's the next step? All his tests and results are November 11th and in the mean time he will continue this chemo hoping it will slow down some of the tumors. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if you are having a hard time go to your Heavenly Father and pray. I KNOW that even though he can't make everything right he makes our burdens easier to bear. 

That somehow what once was impossible to imagine or comprehend becomes possible if we ask for his help. I don't know how else to explain how blessed we are to be able to function and not slip onto the first crazy train out of here

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11: 28-30

Well It's bitter sweet that Clint is back on chemo. He's feeling extremely tired and often sick to his stomach....


Me?



 I'm doing the best I can. But when he's sick it's a constant reminder that life is not alright and everything is NOT okay... 

To tell you the truth the last week has been hard. I don't know why some days or weeks are easier than others. 



Maybe it's him starting the chemo again, maybe it's My sweet 7 year old Gunner and his hard time and worried little heart that I've been trying to mend this week. He's not only worrying about Clint but now he's worrying about leaving me and having a hard time when I'm away from him. 

I'm sad, heartbroken, and mad today.... Its not fair that my little kids have to think about such horrible things. 



As a parent you want to protect your children and help them feel safe and secure. And be able to tell them everything will be alright....To see them have to realize at such an early age that their Daddy is not invincible and that their fairy tale already isn't perfect is at times more than I can bare. So I try not to think about it (I'm not doing a very good job of that today)




The kids are growing up so fast!  Wyatt says every day 
"Daddy when you gunna die I'm gunna cry. I'm gunna miss my Daddy so much." 

It's weird how we don't talk about 'it' but even at three years old it's on his mind every day too....


Gunner and Neiska both started school recently. Please Heavenly Father send us a miracle...and if not please give us strength and peace....



Sunday, August 24, 2014

Strong for Each Other

Watching my children try to grasp daily that their Dad has terminal cancer is like enduring an emotional marathon that has no end in sight and no water stations!!...

One day Clint and I were sitting with Neiska after a hard day and I started to tell her that Daddy just doesn't feel good EVERY day ALL day. 

He gets upset easier because he has to deal with feeling horrible at the same time as trying to be a Dad. As I was telling her this tears of frustration started streaming down Clint's cheeks. 



I went on to say to her that being a Mom and Dad is hard even when you feel good! And Daddy NEVER feels good. I told her Heavenly Father sent her to one of THE strongest Dads ever born on Earth! 

Heavenly Father knew it was going to take one of the STRONGEST men he had to endure a trial like this WHILE being a Daddy. And that Heavenly Father sent one of THE strongest girls to be our daughter! I told her we know it's not easy and we are sorry but together we can be strong for each other. And through prayer our sad days could be easier.






Neiska said
 "Daddy's just so strong I don't want him to die." 

I then said that some days Daddy dying would be a blessing for him because then he would be out of pain. 

Clint then said:

 "I'm not scared of dying Neiska I'm scared of leaving my family and not being able to have you guys see me and know that I'm there."

I'm so incredibly blessed to have such amazing and strong spirits in my home.. Thank you for your prayers they give us strength!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Today's the day......test, scans, and results on this new chemo that's hopefully slowing down Clint's fast growing stage four bone cancer. 

These appointments do get a little easier now that we know cancer is a permanent member of our family. 

However fighting the fear with our faith is something I struggle with everyday. 

I can't even wrap my mind around knowing that Clint's "clinically" been predicted to have less than a year to live AND try to function on a day to day basis. 

Most days we just ignore that cancer monster that hides under our beds but the closer it gets to days like this the stench of our invader is sickening.

I try really hard not to think about his terminal diagnosis most days but truth be told it permeates ALL my thoughts. How do you function knowing the person you love most in the world is fighting a monstrous battle that all you can do is watch? Most days I feel helpless (with the exception of flashing my nipples which can't be done that often) I don't know what else to do

What do you say to your little three year old who says daily 

"My Daddy's gonna die. I'm gonna miss him so much."

Gunner the other day asked 

"How many months has it been since Daddy was told he only has 6 months to one year left?" 

As I sat there and calculated it in my head and then on my fingers I watched Gunners little heart breaking as I told him September was 6 months. (Which is the month of Neiska's birthday, Gunners birthday, AND Clint's birthday) 
He then asked with tears filling his eyes

"Is Daddy going to be there to baptize me?!"

With a smile on my face I said

 "You bet he is!" Then Clint said "I'm not going anywhere that soon!"

Cancer SUCKS. It's not fair. I hate that my little babies have to worry and think about such horrible things. Cancer has stolen some of their childhood but it has also enriched their lives in many ways and with many blessings. 

When I feel my thoughts starting to go in a dark place I try to envision my kids and their futures. BECAUSE of cancer they will be better people. BECAUSE of cancer they will lead a different path than they would have. BECAUSE of cancer they will be shaped into who they were meant to be. And in that thought it gives me hope that BECAUSE of cancer no matter what happens to Clint my children will be stronger than they would have been. That BECAUSE of cancer they will rise up and be who they were meant to be. That God has something special that only they can do BECAUSE of cancer....

God continue to give us the strength to make it through another difficult day....



Sunday, May 11, 2014

Take Me Out to The Ball Game


Calling all Warrior supporters!!:


If you want to come watch Gunner throw the first pitch to "Clint the Cancer Warrior" at the Bee's Game on Friday, May 23rd mark your calendars!



My sweet sister in Law Maurie has been working with them and organized this fun event since Gunner has been having such a hard time since Clints terminal diagnosis.


Seeing your children trying to grasp their Dad has terminal cancer has been difficult.

How's Gunner been doing since I've taken him to the doctors this week for chest pains? (Which they feel is anxiety)


He woke up the next morning with a nightmare and said he started feeling that way again and said with tears that he didn't want to go to school he wanted to stay home with Daddy. (Of course I let him)

I don't blame him I want to spend as much time as I can with Clint and I'm an adult!

He is also concerned that he will get cancer because he looks so much like his Dad ( maybe that's my fault because I always say "you're just like your Dad")

I can't imagine being 7 years old and having to mentally try and compute that your dad has terminal cancer- life's not fair but with Gods strength and your prayers we have been making it through this far!

We will be introducing the kids to their school counselor and taking Gunner to a kids specialized therapist at LDS family services to make sure he has all the support he needs.

I'm sure in love with that little man

You can see more daily info on Clint's Facebook page HERE


Alligator Toes

Are those clips on his toes?! "No they're alligators" Wyatt would argue. 


Here he is after Wyatt tied him up and put alligators on his toes to make him lay down and take a nap one morning this week.  He's been pretty wiped out and has had a lot of cramps in his right glute where a tumor is growing.  Which makes it pretty painful for him to sit down very long. 


It has been a little over two weeks of him on the new Chemo drug Pazopanib.  He gets sick to his stomach as well.  We hope this chemo will slow down the cancer and give him more time.

His doctor says that the cancer is smart and gets used to the drug and learns how to grow after awhile despite the chemo efforts.  So we are hoping this will slow it down for as long as possible then if it starts to grow aggressively despite the chemo we will try and switch him to another chemo drug.

We have gotten really good at living in the moment and trying not to worrying about all the 'What ifs' I'm so deeply grateful for such an amazing man in my life ......he's my HERO!

First Chemo Week

Clint's first week of Chemo has been pretty good overall







He's been tired and sick to his stomach but if there's a chance it's slowing the cancer down then Clint says it's definitely worth feeling this way.

Clint's word of wisdom for today:

"Show gratitude for the precious things in life by focusing your time and attention on those that mean the most. Stop wasting time worrying and stressing about what you can't control."

There's Still Hope for the Hopeless

Telling my kids that their Daddy isn't expected to live more than a year was one of the most gut wrenching things I have ever done. 

Gunners terrifying scream "No Daddy!" will forever haunt my mind.....





We still have hope that a miracle could come our way and save our North Star. We are so deeply grateful that we know families can be together forever. And Clint will forever be my babies Daddy. 

Thank you for the encouraging words and prayers. We know they have lifted us up despite are urge to fall into complete despair.....