Well how was your day yesterday? Mine was pretty....sucky. We went to get Clint's test results and as soon as the doctor walked into the room you could see on his face that the news wasn't good. He said that the cancer has grown 50% from the MRI three months ago, and a new piece started growing in his lower back.
He said we could go ahead and operate now or wait. Knowing and trusting him I immediately asked him what he would do if it was him. He said that he would wait three months to let the cancer grow a little more so it was easier to find during surgery. Unless he starts experiencing more pain or other complications we will re-do all his tests in three months then operate....again
We looked at each other and quickly agreed. He still is healing and his leg is still swelling from the last surgery. Giving him a couple more months to get stronger seems like the best choice. So here we are again....but this time we know that it has to get worse before it gets better.
I surprised myself and didn't shed a tear.... in the doctors office.
I'm the kind of girl that can hold it together until she talks to her mama....and then I feel like a little girl who fell off her bike and needs her mama to hold her while she cries and says "The world is not fair!"
So there I was sitting next to Clint in the wellness center when I made the call. I held it together until she asked "How are you doing?' then I was the little girl who just needed her mommy and I started to cry. I felt so guilty for letting Clint see me. I'm suppose to be strong for him. I know he feels so horrible that his whole family dynamic is changed because of him, I know he feels guilty that he is powerless to change our situation, and me crying I know doesn't help...
I quickly ended the call to shut off the dam that I was holding back. Then I ran to the bathroom and cried. I had a melt down for approximately 1 minute and 47 seconds. Then I put my big girl panies back on and thought to myself, as I saw bald sick patients....this could be worse. He could be given a terminal diagnosis with a short time to live. It could be one of our babies who was sick. I then said a quick prayer to help me hold it together and exited the bathroom....
This I know: Life is precious, live it, love it, and appreciate it
-Your Friend Kamille