Smile?

Hi my Friend. How have you been?! How has your week been treating you? Did you have a good Valentines Day? 

 I've lost a little 'pep' to my step I guess. You would think that I would be doing better this week compared to last week when we got Clint's results, but I guess it hadn't really hit me until now....It's hard always trying to be positive, don't you think? I'm emotionally burnt out, and ready to sit in the water bucket like Goldie Hawn in the Movie Overboard. 

I hate to let anyone see me cry, and I especially hate to cry in front of Clint-the cry where he knows that I'm crying about him. Every time I do I can visualize his hopes and dreams of providing for us start to crumble with each tear-I know he feels horrible and I feel so guilty when I'm sad because I know it only makes him feel worse.

 I usually will go and cry in the shower where no one can hear me, but the other day when I put the kids to bed I could barely shut the bathroom door before I started to have a melt down. As I was covering my mouth to muffle the sound with my back against the door, I could hear Clint on the other side of the door trying to get in.

"Kamille, I would rather you cry with me than hide from me." 

Then he opened the door and I fell apart in his arms.....

Some days are easier than others....I'm just hoping for the days being easier to out weigh the hard ones. Do you have any magic tricks to get you through hard times in your life?

Remember before Clint's surgery last year when his dad sent us to Hawaii? When we were there I got this necklace that had two birds on it and a little turquoise stone.  From the moment I got it I wore it every day for months until one day it broke.  I meant to put it in a safe place to fix later, but soon it was lost.  

Yesterday Clint came home from 'therapy' with flowers and a little black box. When I opened it there was my lost little love birds necklace that he found and got fixed! I just looked at it and started to cry, then he started to cry. 

 

 I love Clint and my Love Birds.  

-Your Friend Kamille

Warning: Life Gets Sucky

Well how was your day yesterday? Mine was pretty....sucky. We went to get Clint's test results and as soon as the doctor walked into the room you could see on his face that the news wasn't good. He said that the cancer has grown 50% from the MRI three months ago, and a new piece started growing in his lower back.

He said we could go ahead and operate now or wait.  Knowing and trusting him I immediately asked him what he would do if it was him. He said that he would wait three months to let the cancer grow a little more so it was easier to find during surgery. Unless he starts experiencing more pain or other complications we will re-do all his tests in three months then operate....again

We looked at each other and quickly agreed. He still is healing and his leg is still swelling from the last surgery. Giving him a couple more months to get stronger seems like the best choice. So here we are again....but this time we know that it has to get worse before it gets better. 

I surprised myself and didn't shed a tear.... in the doctors office.

I'm the kind of girl that can hold it together until she talks to her mama....and then I feel like a little girl who fell off her bike and needs her mama to hold her while she cries and says "The world is not fair!" 

So there I was sitting next to Clint in the wellness center when I made the call. I held it together until she asked "How are you doing?' then I was the little girl who just needed her mommy and I started to cry. I felt so guilty for letting Clint see me. I'm suppose to be strong for him. I know he feels so horrible that his whole family dynamic is changed because of him, I know he feels guilty that he is powerless to change our situation, and me crying I know doesn't help...

I quickly ended the call to shut off the dam that I was holding back. Then I ran to the bathroom and cried. I had a melt down for approximately 1 minute and 47 seconds.  Then I put my big girl panies back on and thought to myself, as I saw bald sick patients....this could be worse.  He could be given a terminal diagnosis with a short time to live. It could be one of our babies who was sick.  I then said a quick prayer to help me hold it together and exited the bathroom....

This I know: Life is precious, live it, love it, and appreciate it

-Your Friend Kamille