Friday, December 7, 2012

My Dream Man Update

Hi Friend! How was your first weekend in December?! We finally jumped on the decoration train and got the tree up. Do you like to decorate for Christmas? I think it puts something so magical in the air don't you?

Getting the Christmas decorations up is one of Clint's favorite things! It's so fun to see that enthusiasm spread to the kids.  He truly is the BEST! 

How's he doing? Physically he feels like crap. His base line everyday pain number (on a scale of 1 to 10) is 6.   He never fact I always have to ask "What's your number?(pain number) Coping with pain everyday is not only physically draining, but mentally draining. I can see him everyday not only fighting to live, but fighting to live with a good attitude.

  Isn't it easy to act crappy when you feel crappy?! Imagine feeling crappy every day.  With that in mind I try really hard to not nag him.

 I've always felt like I was suppose to be with him.  And especially with his cancer battle I've known I was meant to be there for him....because in some weird way I feel like I have something he needs...something that helps him get through his days.  A couple of weeks ago I could see that no matter what I said or did affected his attitude. And it scared me. He was getting depressed and for the first time I felt like there was nothing I could do.  I dropped to my knees praying that God would help me know what I could do to help him. 

The next day the thoughts came into my heart that I needed to call The Huntsman Cancer Institute Wellness center and get him in to be evaluated with the physical therapy Doctor.  It's been one of those things on my to do list, but I hadn't gotten around to it. So I immediately called-we can't get in until December 21st.  But at that time they will look at his individual limitations and customize a workout and rehab plan just for him.  It's my hopes that this will help the 'embers' catch fire and motivate him in the right direction....we will see. I will let you know how it goes! In January we will have another MRI and see how much the cancer has grown.  Then based upon it's growing rate we will either wait and watch or operate.

 In the meantime to keep him happy I like to rattle off my favorite one liners:

"Did you vote for Pedro?! Because all of your dreams came get to stay home and play with your family everyday!"    (cheesy I know but It gets him to smile)
"Wouldn't it be awesome if you could just take this month off work and play?!"
"At least you still have a leg to chase me around the house!"
"Man wouldn't it be the best thing ever if you could just sleep in tomorrow and not go to work?!"
The most popular one liners involve body parts or are R rated *wink wink* so I'll leave those to your imagination....;)

Are you having a hard time in your life right now? If you are I'm so sorry. It's the hard times in life that force you to look at your life in a different perspective. Being forced to look at your life from a different angle is in a strange way a gift.  It seems crazy  to think of it like that-I know. But I've never seen so much love, support, and humanity since Clint's been sick . I feel we have been given a gift that not many will be able to receive.  I'm so thankful to so many of you who have shown us love and concern and been our friends

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Road to Happiness?

How are you today? I hope great! 

The other day Clint and I were on our way to the doctors and we soon found ourselves broke down on the side of the freeway.  It was just the event that put the cherry on our poopy sundae. As I sat there in the car while Clint had the hood up I kept praying for the strength not to run out into oncoming traffic!
 (thank you Heavenly Father for answering that prayer...;) 

We let the engine cool and drove to the nearest exit and gas station....

Disclaimer: Most of the time I try to keep it together

but......this was not one of those times....

While he ran in to grab oil and water I just sat there and cried.  Is this seriously happening? Why can't we just get a break? Would the rain cloud that plagued our life ever leave? Was the universe just preparing us for more bad news at the doctors? 

After he worked on the car (which didn't help) we sat there next to each other.... in silence.....defeated. 

Luckily his parents were in the area and picked us up so we could get to our appointment on time.

The Doctor opened the door and before he even walked in he said...

"It looks good!"

Both of us sat there dazed and in disbelief.....He went on to say Clint's cancer hasn't grown and they don't know why exactly his leg is swelling. They suggested we find him some compression shorts and an abdominal wrap to see if that helps. Then come back and retest in January.

 So my mission:

find a good pair of compression shorts for Clint and an abdominal wrap to help his hernia

Now we will be able to have a great Holiday Season without doctors appointments! Could we ask for a better present?! .....No

There's been no hiding the fact that since last December our lives have been anything but easy.  Catapulting this past year as our hands down:

Worst Year Ever

 Having to deal with the emotional, physical, and financial stress that cancer has infected our lives with-but also dealing with closing our Purse store and losing relationships with people that I thought were my closest friends. It left me many times wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm normally a happy person so finding myself feeling like this so often was slowly erasing who was..... And I hated that. 

Now here comes the scary part......

In March of this year I received a framed gift of my family from my niece that had taken pictures of us a couple months before 

 (You know that picture you have of yourself that should be buried, burned, or immediately destroyed upon you viewing?! That was the kind of picture that was looking right at me)

Yes I am going to show you the picture that I dug out of a deep dark place

As I looked at it I sat there horrified at the sight of myself and my horrible life! I knew I had to do something

Either shoot my fat lard self 
 get on medication 

Because I couldn't go on feeling that way anymore.  I didn't want to see the doctor (not just because I was now uninsured) but I wanted to fix this problem without prescriptions.  

  I then started praying for an answer to help me save my life....  

I got the strong impression that I needed to workout at least five days a week.  I sat down with Clint and laid out the answer to my prayer and he was the first to cheer me on! I knew it wouldn't be easy to do by myself

Now all I needed was a dynamite workout partner......

ask and ye shall receive


I couldn't of done it without her! Her encouragement, commitment, and friendship has been one of the best things in my life.  Thank you Lori. Thank you for being there and showing up for me even when I didn't want to be there for myself.

Quickly the chore of working out soon became something I actually enjoyed! It became easier to eat healthier and which soon led to me feeling better!  In June my cousin Jeremy prodded me to sign up and run the :  

Half Marathon with him. I knew I better start running.  

There was one big problem...

I hated running

But I knew if Clint could run he would. So he was my motivation I could run for Clint. I had already done so many hard things I knew I could do hard things....

I enlisted Lori to enter the world of running with me. After following beginning running recommendations we did just that! I worked my way up to chasing her around the neighborhoods multiple times a week.

And last Saturday I found myself at the starting line of:

 My First Half Marathon

It was so exciting to have worked so hard for something.  I soon found myself running with a smile. My heart was so full of joy and happiness.  I often found myself choking back tears as I ran and thanking the Lord for a body that could run and not be weary, a body that I was so thankful for.

I had some sweet tunes that Clint made as a playlist and I sang, ran, and shed tears for 13.1 miles.  I was so proud of myself.  As I crossed the finish line all I could do was cry.  Cry because I was happy, cry because I accomplished something that I never thought I could do, cry because Clint can't run and I can....

It was such an amazing moment that I will cherish

Now here I am 20lbs lighter 

 It's not the weight being gone that matters most.... it's the burden of depression that is gone.   I feel so empowered and so extremely grateful for Lori and Jeremy and many of you that have loved us and supported us despite our imperfections. 

Here's hoping I can repay some small part of the unconditional love and kindness that has been shown to my self and my family.

Thank you for reading my blog and being my friend!

-Your Friend Kamille

Monday, October 15, 2012

Update: Be Happy

I've missed sitting down and writing to you.  This time of the year at the shops is crazy and keeps us hoppin'! How are you?! I hope you are doing good.

love this picture of Clint...He's so flippin' cute I want to eat his face off...(no I'm not eating bath salt I'm just crazy for him...:)

Since Clint has been sick people have said they can't believe how positive we are.  The truth is some days are easier than others.  And sometimes life just isn't fair. I look at him with awe and wonder why? Why does someone so amazing have to go through something so horrible? Why can't the cancer just go away? Why can't we just get a break?! Then the guilt starts to creep in.....and I hear myself say to myself 
"Why can't you just be grateful?" 

Because isn't each day we have here together a gift?! How easy it is to forget that what we hold most precious could be gone in an instant. Why spend your days sad and unhappy? You should treasure the time that you have been given with the best attitude and outlook as possible(definitely easier said than done believe me I know)

*****Graphic Pictures Below******

Clint's leg has been swelling the last week. So I texted the doctor this picture I took of it yesterday and he immediately called and wants us to come in for an MRI today. I hope we are just being paranoid and cautious. Could the cancer be growing back so fast? Or could the swelling be a sign of a blood clot? We will find out....we are extremely grateful for such a great doctor. 

I will talk to you soon and hopefully have okay news to report:) cross your fingers for us.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Hello there! Clint is pretty tired and trying hard to manage his pain without taking too much medicine. Because of them removing so much of his abdomen wall that was contaminated with cancer he now has a large hernia on his right side. Most days it's the culprit to a lot of Clint's discomfort.(besides him walking around with no right hip crest)

When we saw the tumor reconstruction specialist, Dr Vargo. He had to pull us in his office to show us the MRI because on the side he needed to repair the hernia there is no bone, cartilage, muscle, or tissue for him to secure the stitches to. Thus putting Clint through another major surgery with slim chances of success.  He stated to live with the hernia pain as long as possible and then come back and see him.

When we went to Clint's cancer specialist who referred us to Dr Vargo he stated Clint is the first case that he referred to Dr Vargo that he couldn't fix! Seriously!? 

Each day I watch him enduring the pain and discomfort without ever complaining. And I think to myself what an example of courage.  He could complain and be miserable but he  chooses to not let this cancer control his life. If I stub my toe I complain! I need to be more like Clint!

I'm so in love with him, and so grateful he is here and has the energy and attitude to fight this horrible disease. 

We are so grateful for every one's concern and support.  It's so neat to be able to see the humanity and love that people have. Since he has been unable to work since December of 2011 many have asked us if they could help donate a few dollars when they have extra so we just figured out how to add a donation button to Clint's Blog. 

-thanks again for keeping my Cancer Warrior in your prayers!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Live your lives

Hi to all those who are concerned for Clint (who isn't he's the freakin' MAN) We talked to the doctor tonight and he said that there's multiple little pieces of sarcoma growing in his pelvic region. Poop....what's the next step?! 

Since this cancer is un treatable from chemo and radiation we will just wait until December and re-do all the tests and see how fast it's growing. Clint has been through so much the last little while and it's a nice relief to hear that even though it's there we will be able to have a break for awhile. 

So our Job:
-to try not and think about it until December 
- Live, Laugh, and LOVE LIFE

So that's what we are gonna do! Thank you so much for your support, prayers, concern, and love we couldn't do it without you! 

Cancer sucks but that doesn't mean your life has to be sucky!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Well the radiologist reported yesterday that Clint's cancer is growing back in multiple places.  What more can I say?! Sad is an understatement, but it could be worse....
(that's what people keep sayin')
I guess this time around the news isn't as shocking, but it doesn't make it any easier

  It breaks my heart.....

Why do some people have to deal with more challenges than others? They have to be some sort of special breed don't you think? He's emotionally and physically going through so much yet he has the energy to smile and help others.

 It's truly inspiring to be apart of this relationship. He strengthens me and drives me to be a better person.  This might be unlucky news (to say the least) but I'm the luckiest girl in the world to be married to him! He's my SUPERHERO!

Isn't this quote great? I thought so too.....  

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Clint the Cancer Warrior Introduction

Hi I'd like to tell you about how I met and fell in love with one of the Greatest Men on the Planet

Clint Bauer 
The Cancer Warrior

In February of 2000 he left the United States and was serving an LDS mission in Rio Dejaniro Brazil and noticed a lump growing near his right hip.  Doctors sent him back to America for testing and found out it was Chondra Sarcoma Bone Cancer.

In October of 2000 they operated and removed his entire right hip crest and after weeks in the hospital and months of horrific rehab he was trying to regain his life back. Where are the pictures? Well hold on I wasn't in his life until six months later when destiny found us working at the same job.  

A lawn care company! I scheduled appointments and he sprayed lawns. And I knew as soon as I saw him I would have to schedule a date with him!! He is my Prince Charming and this is our Fairy Tale.... 

On June 7, 2002 I married Clint Bauer 

{aka The Cancer Warrior} 

we have been married for 10 years now and
We have three kids....(who look just like him!)

Neiska Lynn Bauer who is 11 

 (she was named after my Grandma from Holland)

Gunner Clint Bauer or as most people call him....Mini Clint....he's 8

Then there's the baby....Wyatt Vance Bauer

 who's 3 now and growing way too fast! 
(he does however have my curly hair)

 He is my Dream Man and being with him makes me want to be a better person every day

We made sure and went to all the appointments and x-rays every six months, then every year,  and at his 5 year appointment they declared him cancer free.  We were so excited because being clear for that long meant that it was not coming back.....

In the fall of 2011 I noticed he was not feeling good-he was extremely tired, he was more achy, and he couldn't lose weight no matter what he tried!

He would come home from work frustrated that all he would eat would be vegetables and a yogurt and he couldn't understand why he couldn't lose weight.  We also noticed the right side of his hip looked and felt hard. Being the concerned wife I made an appointment with his Cancer Specialist immediately.

  When we initially saw him on November 29th 2011 he said the x-rays looked good, but after examination he wanted him to get a MRI and CT scan.  We couldn't get in until December 11th, 2011 so we figured it wasn't that big of a concern because of the appointment delay.  But the next day we soon realized it was

The worst day of our lives

December 12th 2011: him and I were awaiting THE results at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital.( It's not a good sign if you are waiting for a really long time in a room you normally never go in, and the doctor asks his assistant for the entire box of tissues.)

 Needless to say our lives stopped when they delivered the news...Chondra Sarcoma stage 2 {aka. sucky bone cancer} 
and the statistics of it coming back after this long....wait there is no statistics it NEVER happens.  But we found out it was back worse than before.

There should be a rule:
 if a person has had cancer before they should NOT get it AGAIN!

But alas the universe has different plans

On December 28th 2011 they operated for 10 hours and removed over 20 lbs of bone cancer tumors.

Yes, he pretty much delivered a cancer toddler that I named Boone. [Clint said to me when I was pregnant with our second son that we should name him Boone{barf} and I told him he should've married someone else if he wanted to name one of his sons that!...

So naturally with him birthing this cancer toddler it just seemed fitting to name him Boone...don't ya think?!

  I of course was curious to see what this baby looked like.   For those of you who are curious too I've included pictures of this nasty bad boy!

Warning to the queasy Nasty pictures of Boone the cancer toddler below

There is an actual ruler below with the cancer measuring over 15" 

The team of doctors said they literally filleted him out onto two operating tables

 As you can see they didn't lie.   He officially looked like he had been bitten by a shark. 

 But even being bitten by a shark and feeling hit by a truck....He still looked freakin' hot!

 He's so cute I even had to wake him in the hospital at 11:59pm on New Years Eve so I could get my New Year's Kiss

I know our fairy tale isn't perfect, but with him in it it's the 
Perfect Fairy Tale for me....;)


Could you imagine the worse week of your life ending with a trip to HAWAII?  Well neither could I until it happened to me.

On Monday December 12th 2011 "THE DAY" when we found out my husband's bone cancer was back, were put into a whirlwind of tests.  And on December 14th they scheduled a small surgery to biopsy the cancer to see what stage it had moved to. 

I can't recall the last time I sobbed, but driving him home from that surgery it all started to hit me. 'What would I do if I lost my best friend, how could I go on without him?  If he survived  (and lost his leg like they were stating was the route they would have to take) how drastically  would our lives change?'

 I could envision his dreams of coaching our boys baseball teams, him giving our kids piggy back rides, the way he laughed-I could lose him....and then what?   So as I gripped the steering wheel I cried, like I can't remember crying ever before, all to my embarrassment, while he listened.  I felt guilty for letting him hear me cry like that.

So that night, when we got home, my father in law called and said "Pack your bags, you and Clint have an 8:30am flight to Hawaii for the weekend to escape reality." We were going to be leaving Thursday morning, have the weekend, and be able to fly through the night on Sunday to be back just in time for his 10:30am doctors appointment Monday morning!

How do you thank someone for a gift so....AMAZING, so.....PERFECT!? Now, instead of the family funeral procession for the weekend, we would be getting away where nobody knew our problems....where we could think about something else other than our recent dish of reality!!! There are no words for the gratitude we have for that gift.

For the plane ride I (OF COURSE) brought knitting.  On the flight over I turned to Clint and asked him what I could make him that he could use.  He thought for a second and replied  "Fingerless Gloves?"  So I had a mission:

to design THE perfect pair of fingerless gloves for my Cancer Warrior!

As he tried on his perfect pair he looked at me and said "You know what you should do?  Make a pair for Dr. Randall and we could give it to him on Monday as a Christmas present!" Perfect! I now had another pair to make.

Hawaii was............. AMAZING!!
the warm air

The FOOD. (Bubba Gumps you will now be apart of our top 10 BEST entree's EVER!)

Getting laid!  Oh yeah...:) 

 not to mention eating at least one snow cone everyday (obviously calories were not worried about either), Hawaii style with ice cream on the bottom and Kauai cream on the top! (NOBODY makes better snow cones than Hawaii-period)

and having a DOUBLE scoop of Lappert's Ice Cream!  {side note}I am an ice cream connoisseur, and this ice cream has been in my dreams for years!  I had put my lips to this succulent stuff when I came with my family to Hawaii over 15 years ago!(I know if you look closely my size is triple his and I'll admit....I'm a FREAK!)

But most importantly walking hand in hand with my man while..... 

our problems melted into the sand.  

On Monday morning (with sand still between our toes) we were back in the doctors office, back to reality.
Clint and I had just enough time to wrap our hand knit fingerless gloves with a note:

To Dr Randall,
Merry Christmas.  Here's a gift for your hands-because your hands are a gift to us.
The Bauer's 

Bad news continues


I Can Do Hard Things

How do you get through times in your lives that seem to difficult to survive? 

 Clint's holding the gift that my sister Jamie sent me.  I know it's a simple statement but it has helped push me through the days lately.

As I have shared before my husband has been battling Bone Cancer.  In December 2011 he underwent MAJOR surgery, removing over 20lbs of cancer.  On Monday we went back for his first MRI since the surgery only to find out that it's returned. 

Heart broken, defeated, and depressed....we knew it would be something we would have to deal with for awhile, but thissoon wasn't something we wanted to enter our thoughts.  With his previous incision being so large and still swollen playing the waiting game seems to be our best option.  In  6 weeks we will re-do the MRI and CT scan and evaluate how much it's grown....and then more surgery.

How do you keep climbing when the mountain before you seems too steep? Like Dori from Finding Nemo says "Just keep climbing swimming" I know it's corny, but its really true

Don't only swim but look around while you are 'swimming' to see those 'swimming' around you. I'm blessed to have such great friends and family and their concern, calls, and comments have helped me inch my way through the last couple days 

 It's also hard to be sad when you have one of these at your house?

 (with the exception of today when he got car sick on the way to the doctors and threw up ALL OVER himself. Lucky for me Clint-who packed the diaper bag, forgot the wipes and an extra outfit......:) So if you were at the mall today and saw a mom running in The Children's Place with a baby that only had a diaper it very well could of been me!

When you are down and can only think of one thing remember YOU CAN do HARD things! Take it from me, it might not be enjoyable but it's possible